“You’re a mess.” “You’re not good at this.” “You’re not as smart as you think you are.” “You aren’t good enough.” “Who do you think you are?” “You’re nothing.” “No one likes you.” “You ruin everything.”

My brain says the meanest things to me and for so long, I allowed it. I overachieved and it still wasn’t enough to shut the voice up. I pushed and pushed myself further in my pursuit of perfection to the point that I was breaking and still trying to push further. Perfection consumed me; the fake it til you make it mentality swallowed me whole to the point where I didn’t know what was real accomplishment and what was my facade. 

It took over my life. It reached into every aspect and corner of my being. I stayed in a bad relationship for five years, which was about three years longer than I should have stayed, because I had defended this person to everyone. I had moved across the country away from everyone I knew to be with this person. I had made my decision and commitment, and now I couldn’t show others that it wasn’t perfect. My partner was emotionally and physically distant, which only reinforced my core belief that I wasn’t good enough, yet I still stayed for years hoping it would get better and that one day it really would be perfect. 

I was overweight, which reinforced my core belief that I was a mess. I found myself restricting calories and “bragging” about how healthy I was eating. A whole wheat bagel with an egg and a slice of cheese in the morning, a 220 calorie soup at lunch time and maybe a cup of pasta at dinner time with some olive oil and seasoning on it. My jobs (because I, of course, had to have two even though I was also a full time student) required me to stay on my feet and walk around a lot so I would brag about how many steps I was getting in per day. I dropped weight like crazy and any time my brain would think “This probably isn’t healthy” my core belief voice would counter by telling me “But at least we’re getting skinny. We’re finally going to be perfect.”

I pulled completely away from my friends and family. It was getting exhausting keeping up this facade that everything was fine and going perfectly according to plan. There was only so many times I could play pretend, and I was tired. So I just stopped answering my phone. Any time I would go to a social event I would use alcohol to prove to everyone that I was good, I was happy and I was having fun. 

The results were what you would expect. My relationship ended when my then-partner got tired of the charade and found someone who didn’t have to pretend with him. My blood pressure dropped and I felt like I was going to faint at work, when one of my coworkers who didn’t know me that well yet, pointed out that I wasn’t eating enough. My friends and family finally had enough of the BS and told me they were really worried about me. Gradually and yet suddenly, the perfect castle I had built was crumbling down. 

I went back to therapy. My therapists’ first question was how was my eating, because she had seen me only a few months earlier and I had lost 40 lbs in that time. I told her everything. I started eating more, sometimes crying because I knew I needed to eat but didn’t want to. I met my now-husband, and we spent our first date telling each other our imperfections and problems. I was sure he would see the real me and be like “yeah, this chick is a mess and this is going to be too much work”. But I was finally being honest about what/who I was and what I was dealing with. Imagine my surprise when he wanted a second date only 24 hours later.

I reached back out to friends and family. In some cases the damage had already been done to the relationship, but in other cases I was welcomed back with understanding and love. I even managed to make some new friends in the process. And I now don’t need alcohol in every social situation in order to have a good time, because now it is authentic and I only do things that are a good time. I no longer had to be perfect or lie about being perfect; I could just be me. 

In order to do that, I had to start treating myself like a friend. And not just a regular friend, a BEST friend. How could I be a best friend to this woman I had treated like an enemy my entire life? I had bullied her and beaten her, tore her down at every opportunity so that I could build up a perfect illusion of her. It took a while, and a lot of work. My core beliefs had been reinforced so much by others and by my own choices. I didn’t have the energy to clean my house because I was working two jobs and going to school full time, therefore the house was a mess and therefore I was a mess. My old partner didn’t want me, therefore I wasn’t good enough. I had pulled so far away from people that they stopped reaching out, therefore no one liked me. My world was falling apart, therefore I ruin everything. 

There were a few things that helped me start to change the way I thought about myself and start challenging these beliefs:

1. My husband. Whenever I would begin to say things like “I’m afraid I’m going to ruin things” or “I’m not good enough” or “I’m the problem”, my husband would tell me he was confused. I remember one specific time where her told me he was confused and didn’t understand, because he was trying to reckon who I was saying I was with the person he knew. In his eyes, of course I was good enough. Of course I wasn’t the problem when someone else was tearing me down. Of course I wasn’t going to ruin things, how could I? If he could see me this way, why couldn’t I? It was because he was already in love with me, and I hadn’t even tried to like myself yet. His support made me realize that I was able to show someone the “ugly” parts and the vulnerable parts of me, and still be worthy.
2. I started celebrating accomplishments. I had a trophy from something that I won a long time ago. This had been a huge accomplishment for me that I had always downplayed and laughed off, saying “I won by accident”. I had to downplay it so that people didn’t think I was too much. I had to downplay it because it still wasn’t good enough to be an accomplishment. I pulled out my trophy, dusted it off, and put it in a place where I could always see it. I would look at it and remind myself that I did that, I achieved that, and I was proud of it. It didn’t matter if other people didn’t want to hear about it or didn’t think it was THAT great, I did, and I do.
3. I literally had to start talking to myself like a friend. I would never look at my best friend and tell her she ruins everything. I would never tell her she wasn’t good enough. I would be compassionate, and I would do my best to counter her all-or-nothing thinking. Okay, so you didn’t get top of your class, but you did graduate when there were times you didn’t think you were ever going to have a formal education and that’s a huge achievement. So this one thing in your life didn’t go the way you planned it, you can try again and you will because you’re worth it. Even a very simple “I love you and everything is going to be okay” was a powerful thing to hear from the voice in my head that had only ever been critical. 
4. I changed my “yeah, but” mentality when it came to good things. “Yeah, you graduated, but you didn’t have any honors”. “Yeah, you got promoted, but it’s only because they were desperate to fill that position.” “Yeah, they hired you at your dream job, but they would have hired anyone with a degree.” “Yeah, they invited you, but they don’t really care if you go.” I used to take every positive good thing and try to negate it, so that when I inevitably ruined something, I wouldn’t be surprised and maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I had to start letting good things just be good things, and use the “yeah, buts” to turn negatives in to positives. “Yeah, you got cut off in traffic, but you’re still going to be on time.” “Yeah, they didn’t invite you, but you didn’t really want to go anyway.” “Yeah, it was a bad day at work, but now you get to go home and spend the evening with your husband watching your favorite shows and petting your very fluffy fur-kids”. 
5. I gave myself a nickname. Okay, to be fair, I didn’t come up with this nickname myself. I had a wonderful and amazingly loving friend who used to call me it. Any time she used it, it made me feel special, as she was the only person who ever called me it and I was the only person she ever used it for. It made me feel loved and cared for, so I started using it on myself. I would clean the kitchen and say “good job, nickname”. I would tell my husband something good that I did at work and say “good for nickname”. I would do something nice and caring for myself, and tell myself that “nickname did that”. This really helped me to see myself as a friend who cared about me, loved me, and could be compassionate towards me.

Challenging my core beliefs was difficult but not impossible. It took the support of a therapist, my friends, and my wonderful husband. It took me having to change the way I spoke to myself about myself and the things around me. And it took celebrating all my accomplishments and good things I had done. There are still days where my inner critic tries to get one over on me, especially if the outside word is trying it’s hardest to reinforce negativity. But at least now, I am not adding to that negativity and reinforcing it. I can stop it dead in it’s tracks and remind myself that I am enough, I don’t have to be perfect, and I love me.